24 July, 2009
We’re pretty sure everyone will agree that the English are terrible winners. Just truly awful in their smugness. And while Aussies tend to be joyful and gracious in victory, they are notoriously bad losers. Presumably, in both cases, this is because they haven’t had much practice.
OH SNAP. It’s funny cause England usually suck!
So we’ll admit it: we’re sore losers too. Seeing the victorious Pommies stroll off the pristine Lord's pitch after wining the second test HURT. All we could say was: WELL … YOU STILL LIVE IN ENGLAND.
It was all the more frustrating because staying up to watch The Ashes every night has totally messed with our sleeping patterns. We are basically nocturnal now, which is okay when the Aussies are travelling well, but not so much fun sitting up night after night surrounded by darkness watching your team getting beaten … badly. When that happens we’re just nocturnal and angry, like two irate possums.
As the test went on, we became more and more petty. When Strauss got his century and took off his helmet to reveal his sweaty head we both yelled WELL YOU’RE STILL BALD STRAUSS. See? Sore losers.
And as the English press delights in reminding us, this is also the first time the Australian cricket team has lost at Lord's since 1935. Meaning our loss wasn’t merely regular failure, it was historical failure! Lords failure! Hooray!
Speaking of Lords, what is with the crowd? We know it’s the home of traditional English toffiness but the crowd seems to be full of characters from the Big Book of English Stereotypes. They are all foppish hair, wire glasses and ill-fitting pastel suits straining over guts.
Most importantly, where are the women? Aussie cricket crowds are usually about 50/50 on gender (go our wonderful egalitarian society!), so the lack of Lord's ladies got us wondering. Are women discouraged from attending Lord's? Are English women not into the Ashes? Or, much like the dwarf ladies in Lord of The Rings, do English chicks just look so much like men they are indistinguishable?
While we’re in a bitchy mood, let’s talk about Andrew Flintoff. Freddie is clearly a British icon, who enjoys saying ‘lads’ a lot. But through Aussie eyes, his whole ‘I get a wicket so I’m going to chuck a crucifixion pose and look like a massive ponce’ business is unbearable. Between the extended arms and cricket whites he looks like an overfed sixth grade kid in an Easter pageant. Seriously Freddie, stop it.
As if it’s bad enough that Freddie has boobs. It’s not a glorious bosom like Jacques Kallis’, but there is definitely some movement in the chestal region. Perhaps that was one reason he was so successful in the second test. Like us, the batters were mesmerized by his jiggling boobies and couldn’t concentrate on the task at hand. He hypnotized our poor hapless Monotremes!
We have half a mind to write to the English Cricket Board and demand they include a sports bra in the uniform kit for the next test. We may even start a petition.
Probably the lowest point for us in the whole test was seeing Mitchy J bowl absolute beach balls to Freddie ‘I refuse to wear a bra’ Flintoff, while he kept gleefully popping off 4s.
Is there any more depressing sight than seeing one of your beloved bowlers suffer through a rut of epic proportions? The more the Test progressed, the darker the circles under Mitchell’s eyes got. We felt like express posting him some under eye concealer, along with a big package of WE STILL LOVE YOU.
Thankfully the rest of the team provided us with some much needed laughs. Seeing grown men slathered in zinc is almost as hilarious as seeing a grown man eat an ice cream cone. We giggled like idiots every time Hussey’s face came up on the screen, globs of white zinc on his ears. Ditto to Haddin and his one man tribute to Marcel Marceau. We can’t wait till he gets trapped in a glass box during the next test.
Do the boys realize you can buy invisible zinc now? Really you can; Megan Gale makes it and it’s available at Myer. Or is white zinc a comfort/tradition/cricketing superstition thing? If so, why oh why can’t they take more care in applying it?
We would also like to thank Michael Clarke for being a little ray of sunshine piercing through the darkness. Watching him get his century made us happy in our hearts. More of that please Clarkey! After all, no one likes an angry possum.
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